I think my fart just growled at me.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
