We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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