You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
