we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
