I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
and she was petting her beer can
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
