great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
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