shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Come back. Shots need mouths.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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