he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
