does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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