He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
