there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
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