whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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