Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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