3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize