I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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