It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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