this beer tastes like vomit already
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
