When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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