just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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