Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
We need to get me chipped asap
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
