Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
