and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
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