Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize