Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize