I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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