I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
