Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
