So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
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