At least make sure they are 18
Why
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
