I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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