CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
