I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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