If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
