i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
