Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
