I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
