Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
