wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
