Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
