Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
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