Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
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