the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
