Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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