Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
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