I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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