Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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