I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
