That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I need to sanitize my soul.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
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