cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
