my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
40s are totally the cure
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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