Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
