Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
