i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize