the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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